01/10/2022 at 18:39 CET
Maria Dotor
Our children, from the age of 2 or so, begin to experience tantrums. Tantrums, as all psychologists tell us, are totally normal. The reason is that our children are still very young and have not developed the part of the brain that is responsible for controlling emotions, therefore, when they feel an “unpleasant” emotion, given their lack of mechanisms to control themselves, they go into rage.
But what about adults? Why do we lose control with our children if we already have developed the part of the brain responsible for doing so? The parenting consultant Miriam Tirado is in charge of explaining it in her book ‘Tantrums: Tips and tools to deal with them with conscience, humor and love’.
Reasons why we adults lose control
Despite having developed our prefrontal cortex (part of the brain in charge of self-control), adults, very often, lose control with children. Miriam Tirado finds several causes:
We have accepted the abuse of children
Miriam tells in her book that “for centuries we have believed that boys and girls, because they were smaller and knew less, were precisely less. Centuries of abuse of all kinds and of a more than widespread belief that children Children, in order for them to become adults, they had to be dealt with with a heavy hand. A century in which excesses were normalized, well regarded and accepted “. In short, centuries of adult-centered societies, disconnected from childhood. And it is that, although this sounds strong, it is totally true. Many people see it normal to hit a child when he has not done what the adult expected him to do, however, we do not see it normal to relate in this way with other adults. We don’t hit our boss every time we have a disagreement with him or our friends every time we get angry with them.
The education that we have lived
“Most of us have seen and experienced loss of control of our parents when we were little. We have learned that in times of stress, adults lose control”, Miriam tells us in the book. And of course, when we have unconsciously integrated that this is how we should act, even if we don’t want to, we will really have to work hard to get control of ourselves.
“The centuries of child abuse have brought us many resources in terms of manipulation, fear creation, control … but very few on assertive, respectful and empathetic conflict resolution.”
Parenting Consultant
We do not have resources or tools to control ourselves
When we have decided that we want to banish shouting, punishment, slapping, threats, blackmail … from our children’s education, we are always faced with this question: and then how do I do it?
We don’t know how to do it. Miriam tells us that it is totally logical because “we have never seen it done, nor has anyone taught us to do it. And, in the absence of tools, we lose control again, because it is important to look for these resources”.
Resources to promote our self-control
Míriam Tirado offers us in her book a series of resources and tools to strengthen our self-control. We are going to highlight some of them:
Commitment
The first step to not lose control is, according to Míriam: “become aware of the problem we have and have the will and firm commitment to change it, not to continue repeating that pattern.”
If there is no self-care, there is no self-control | Freepik
Record
A good idea is to record every time we lose control. Write it down in a notebook, including why it happened, what time, what day … This helps us to become aware of whether we really have a problem of lack of control or if we can avoid it. “In this way, we can see if there is a relationship between the days, hours and reasons why we lose control and what triggers it: tiredness, feeling that they ignore you …”, says Míriam in the book.
Watch out
Many times we do not have self-control because there is no self-care. We ignore our own needs so much that we end up exploiting. “It is very important to take into account the needs of our children, but also ours and satisfy them”, Miriam reminds us. And it is that if we are not well, it will be very difficult for us to give the best of ourselves to others.
Hours and organization
It is essential that you observe your records. There you will see when you usually lose your nerves. Most families have conflicts at night, when they are already very tired. If this is your case, maybe you should consider putting the children to bed earlier, and leave those more stressful activities for another time, such as picking up toys or organizing the house. You can also leave your dinner ready.
Take a step back
When we are in a situation of tension, noticing that you have a volcano inside about to explode, physically take a step back. Get a meter away from that situation that removes you. “This gesture, which may seem symbolic, will help us relax while we turn on the alarm lights and take extreme precautions so as not to lose control.”
Think nice
Although we are absolutely aware that each child has their own rhythm, that they are maturing, that they are small … in that “volcano moment” the mind can tell us things that are less in line with our way of thinking. Things like: “this child is never going to learn”, “he does it on purpose to make me angry” … At that moment, Miriam recommends that we “not listen to those voices that our minds repeat to us. Just remember that we are adults. That It is normal for a child to act like this, but something else is expected of us, it is expected that we do not lose control “.
Think about the after
Míriam tells us that if something has worked for her in her motherhood, it is to “always think if what you are about to do or say is going to be helpful in the situation or is going to cause more chaos and pain. If the answer is that I will to get worse, I stop and shut up. Easy? No, but it is more difficult to fix a situation that you yourself have made worse. “
"avoid it" - Google News
January 11, 2022 at 07:05AM
https://ift.tt/3r3YEXI
I lose control with my children. How to avoid it - Central Valley Business Journal
"avoid it" - Google News
https://ift.tt/3844a1y
https://ift.tt/2SzWv5y
No comments:
Post a Comment