I’m not proud to admit this, but I usually manage to get into an unnecessary argument with my wife just before I leave for an extended trip. There’s no rhyme or reason to how it starts, things just melt down and explode, then I’m out in the world, feeling crummy it happened, and doing my best to make amends long distance. Speaking with fellow frequent travelers, I discovered this pattern was all too familiar for them as well. By why?
“We pick fights to make the separation easier,” explains Jacob Brown, a registered associate marriage and family therapist with Sex, Love & Couples Therapy (jbamft.com) in San Francisco. “If I am no longer feeling so connected with you, why would I care if you leave?”
It doesn’t have to be this way. Here are eight tips from a pair of relationship experts on how to avoid a big fight before one partner leaves on a big trip.
Acknowledge the problem
Don’t ignore the traveling elephant in the room. Brown counsels couples to have an honest, open-hearted conversation about the recurring pattern of arguments. This helps frame it as an “us” problem rather than a “me” or “you” problem, creating a dynamic where both partners work together to solve the issue.
Clear your schedule
Pack two days before you leave to eliminate last minute the craziness, stress, and frayed nerves that can go along with prepping advises Cheryl Fraser, a clinical psychologist and the creator of Passion (drcherylfraser.com), an online couples program. Then block off the night before you leave or a couple of hours the day of your departure to go on a date, have some intimate time, or simply cuddle on the couch watching a movie, while ensuring there’s time to talk.
Cultivate emotional awareness
Keep your emotional Spidey-sense attuned to feelings that something is off, advises Brown. But don’t displace that sensation onto your partner by asking if they’re OK or if something is wrong. That puts the onus on them, often provoking a negative reaction that could lead to an argument. “Instead, ask in a more neutral way,” Brown says. “Such as, ‘I feel like something’s wrong. Do you feel that, too?’”
Take a break
Rather than letting a fight unfold, Brown and Fraser both recommend hitting the pause button. Tell your partner you love them and acknowledge you are tackling an important topic, but admit you are too upset to discuss it. Ask for a half-hour break because it takes that time for the body to calm down from being in fight-or-flight mode, according to Fraser. She advises staying put but moving to a different room to tackle a cooking project, play on your phone, or call a friend for a chat, as long as you don’t talk about the argument. Don’t go for a drive or a long walk as your partner may feel as if you’re abandoning them.
Shake it off
When an argument starts unfolding, our bodies engage the parasympathetic nervous system, going into fight-or-flight mode, buzzing with adrenaline and cortisol. Rational behavior often goes right out the window. Fraser suggests stopping this pattern from unfolding by doing a quick physical movement, such as jumping jacks, skipping in place, or wiggling your body like you’re getting out the kinks. This will help calm down your system, alleviate tension with your partner, and lighten your spirit. “Plus, it’s pretty hard to keep arguing when you’re shaking your booty,” says Fraser.
Make the call
If you hit the road without resolving the argument, Fraser advises reaching out to make amends quickly. Don’t let the issue fester for a day or longer. She recommends texting or e-mailing your partner that you love them and that you feel badly for the way things ended. Offer to have a video chat or a longer conversation when you get to your hotel or have another break in your schedule when you’ll have privacy, because this is not a call to make in front of colleagues, clients, or conferencegoers.
Take care from afar
Fraser suggests couples look at practical issues overwhelming the partner staying home. For example, the house might get messy quickly, so hire a cleaner that comes during the trip. Or making meals could be stressful, so make a reservation for a meal out or get delivery to relieve that burden. “You have to think on a pragmatic level — as well as the relational and communication levels — about what is going to make this lifestyle work better for both partners,” says Fraser.
Manage homecomings
Reunited and it feels so good, right? Not always, says Brown. The partner returning from a trip might be drained, simply wanting to down some comfort food and crash, while the partner who was at home taking care of the kids could be bouncing off the walls to go out. These contrasting needs can lead to conflict. To avoid this trap, create a return ritual that satisfies both partners, such as staying in the first night back and going out for a date the next day.
"avoid it" - Google News
December 22, 2022 at 04:16PM
https://ift.tt/Vpr8Ymz
How to avoid that big fight before a big trip - The Boston Globe
"avoid it" - Google News
https://ift.tt/R7DZXdr
https://ift.tt/r87aZTy
/cloudfront-us-east-1.images.arcpublishing.com/gray/VE6B7J67DBAP5FF6OFOD5OW5NA.png)
